What it’s like to be Anorexic

Picture by Ryan McGuire

Here is the amazing story of suiharm.tumblr.com who suffered from anorexia. Her amazing story is truly inspiring and I’m honoured to be able to share it with you.

Well I was born with eczema, which made me realise that I was different from the other kids at a small age (kindergarten), and at primary school the bullying began – because I had eczema and because I was ugly for it. The kids, mostly boys, were harsh and I started to believe everything they said and called me. I was a child. At the age of 7-8 years old, I had severe low self esteem. This made me get into depression at a young age (I think I was 9-10 y/o). I thought that I didn’t deserve to live, that I was a flaw in society. And you know… a girl or a boy that age shouldn’t even realise thoughts like these existed. They should be playing outside and cry about not getting the ice cream they wanted. They shouldn’t cry about existing.

I couldn’t sleep at night. All I wanted to do was to kill myself, to not exist. I remember thinking when I was in 5th grade (10/11 y/o) that “if there is a God out there, I must be his test subject for hell. He’s testing ME for how much a person can handle of hell, without being there. He’s testing ME for how much crap a human being can take before they kill themselves.”

And I was actually lucky growing up. I had a kind family with no economic problems. But my family was not people I wanted to turn to, with the bullying going on. It was my weakness and I didn’t want to share it with anyone. The bullying and my own thoughts made me feel really  ashamed.It made me feel ugly, angry, sad, embarrassed, useless and worthless.

I remember one thought that would changed my life for the next 5-6 years. I was in 6th grade and I was 11 years old. I looked myself  in a full body mirror and thought “Well if I can’t do anything with look of my body (my eczema), I can at least do something about my curves. To look a little less ugly at least.”And then it started. I thought that it was no point in being ugly looking with my skin and forms of my body. I began starving myself. There was no trapping down with the food. I just had that thought and everything changed. I was determined that I would be small and less ugly. And the truth is that I never was fat or chubby as a child, I was already a small child.

I only ate dinner at the beginning, because my parents wouldn’t allow me to eat later than them. So I skipped breakfast, lunch and supper. And it was really easy because my willpower was so strong and I was so determined to lose weight. I was sick, I always slept after getting home from school. Both because I spared my energy and because I collapsed by exhaustion. I had nutrient deficiencies and anemia. I needed iron, folate, vitamins, etc. I lost hair on my head, and I felt pain every time I coughed because my skin was so tightly pressed against my ribs. So whenever I coughed my ribs would press against my lunges making me feel pain. I was also constantly pale.

Even though I knew I had anorexia, I didn’t want to admit it to myself. And when I finally admitted it to myself in 8th grade, I didn’t want to cure it. Anorexia was my friend, because the illness helped me get thinner which was my goal. Some of my closest friends finally found out and they tried to help me. I loved them because they cared but at that time I began looking at them as enemies. They wanted my eating disorder to disappear but I was on anorexia’s team. So I was defensive. They suddenly made the move to tell the school nurse, which I hated. I had to visit that nurse every week for a whole year. But it didn’t help. I didn’t want to get healthy because that would mean I would get fat. And besides that nurse never listened to me. Every appointment I had in that room with her she talked about dealing with anger. But I was never an angry child, I never had anger issues. She didn’t listen to me.

Then my teacher also discovered. And I hated that too, because they were adults and I didn’t want their help. What actually made me healthy again was tumblr and a blog. I made anonymous accounts and expressed myself. On the blog I wrote my life story and every thought I could put words too. And on tumblr I expressed myself by posting and re-blogging relatable stuff. I figured I was not alone with my problems. And every time I felt strongly about something and discovered that I wasn’t alone – I was relieved.

I started to become less and less depressed.But the eating disorder also started to fade away. I didn’t like the recovery process but my friends made strong impressions on me. They loved me and wanted me to be well.

One incident that still comes to my mind is when my doctor told me and my mother my blood results. And I was told that I was so nutrient-poor that IF I were to get pregnant, the baby would die because it wouldn’t get any nutrients. So I guess it took me some years up until I was 17, to get healthy mentally. And it just happened slowly and gradually.

Isn’t that an incredible story? She is such an inspiration to teens suffering from eating disorders and those who aren’t alike.

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